Are You In, or Are You Out?

Last night, I finally got to watch The Runaways, the film about the ’70s all-girl rock band that gave birth to Joan Jett (grittily played by Twilight’s Kristen Stewart), Lita Ford, and others. I’ve been eagerly anticipating the movie since catching the documentary about the band, Edgeplay: A Film About The Runaways, a few years ago. Familiar story of the meteoric rise of a band and their tragic downfall with sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll. What was truly unique was that this was a story about a rock band not just fronted by girls; ALL the members of the band were girls, a rarity in the ’70s. The members of The Runaways were pushed beyond their initially rather limited musicianship to make music that truly rocked and appealed to any gender.

One thing that struck me in the movie, besides the lack of any kind of healthy guardianship for the girls (at the time, Jett and Currie were just 16 and 15) and the indiscriminate drug use, was the casual observation of the bisexual nature of the relationship between Jett and lead singer Cherie Currie (played by a surprisingly grown up, though still deceptively innocent Dakota Fanning). The movie was inspired by Currie’s memoir and had Jett as one of the executive producers, so one is led to believe that this aspect of the their relationship was captured with some accuracy.

In an interview for the Toronto Sun, Currie said, “We loved each other as friends. Back then, Bowie had just come out. So had Elton John. And that was the groovy thing to do. Back then, there was this bisexuality thing that was going down and, hey, why not?” While Currie seemed to roll with the liquid nature of her sexuality in her youth, she later married to a man. Jett is rumored to always have embraced bisexuality, which is apparent in much of her lyrical content.

What truly impressed me about the movie was that there was no over-the-top declaration about sexuality. There were no scenes that forced characters to discuss their sexual preference or questioned their behavior. The kisses between Currie and Jett were acted as naturally as the one where they snorted cocaine off the palms of their hand. Currie easily went from sleeping with a male stage manager, I believe he was, to spending the night in Jett’s bed. The fluidity of their sexuality was accepted as a given that received no undue added attention.

The Kinsey Scale of sexuality, which ranks sexual behavior on a scale from 0 to 6,  recognizes sexuality along a spectrum, as something prone to change over time. Instead of labeling sexuality from homosexual or heterosexual, it asks people to consider a range of shades of gray in sexual orientation. In other words, a person could move from a “2” predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual as a teenager, but move to a “5” predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual in her adulthood.

Growing up as a good, modest Christian girl, I was surprised when I developed my first true girl crush around the age of 13 years old. S was my best friend through much of my childhood. We’d had dozens and dozens of slumber parties over the years, but something changed our freshman year. You could say puberty hit. We were on the same soccer team, and all the girls changed in the locker room  before and after practices and games, and for some reason, I’d find visions of S in her bra in my head at the weirdest time. I’d picture what it’d be like to have my hands on what was under her bra. Imagine the shame I felt. Not only was she one of my best friends and thus I was violating our friendship code, but I was also veering into territory that was just “not right”. Fortunately, around this time, our lives changed directions, and we were no longer as close as we once were; we moved in different circles, and I could forget those unbidden, forbidden thoughts of my friend.

When I got to college, I met my first openly bisexual friend at the dorm. She was beautiful, tall and athletic, with a pixie cut and a nose ring, She exuded intelligence, passion about various worthy causes, and her confidence was awe-inspiring. She was so out of my league. I had my first serious boyfriend now living 3000 miles away at home, and I was still fairly innocent and rather naive. So even if I knew the magical ways of seducing a woman, I’m not sure I’d have the moxie to use them.

After college, my opportunities to to explore whatever side of myself that was attracted to women seemed to drift off, for the most part. I locked those fantasies in a box, and put it under my dusty bed. It was only when curious boyfriends got me to share these past curiosities and crushes that I could relive this other unexplored side of myself. Later, when I realized old fantasies I used to help get myself off sexually no longer had the same power to arouse me, I started to allow myself to consider threesomes. Right now, I would say that a good maybe 75-80 percent of my fantasies, whether in my head or viewed on the internet, have at least some girl-on-girl action. That excites me. That, pardon the pun, gets my juices flowing.

There is some degree of regret that I never got to just see what it would be like to even kiss another woman. Sometimes I feel like I missed whatever window there is for people to just explore their fantasies like that. Yet it’s fun that I can, with boyfriends, check out other women and assess their attractiveness. If we’re watching arousing movies, we’re both checking out the beauty of the female body.

But at the end of the day (or night), I still want to come home to a man. I still want to feel a man’s cock deep inside me. There is nothing that pleases me more than sucking on a man to climax.

Yet I still have my girl crushes. In addition to some of my fellow bloggers, whom I won’t embarrass by identifying, my latest girl crush is the one of the stars, So-Yi Yoon, of “The Legend of the Shadowless Sword”, which I have been watching over the last couple days. What can I say? I have a soft spot for certain Asian women.

The title for this post comes from an Ani DiFranco song called “In Or Out,” which has always spoken to me with its beautiful message about not needing to fit neatly into anyone’s narrow boxes, whether that’s regarding race, sex, creed, or even gender. Here are more of the lyrics below:

guess there’s something wrong with me
guess i don’t fit in
no one wants to touch it
no one knows where to begin
i’ve got more than one membership
to more than one club
and i owe my life
to the people that i love[…]

some days the line i walk
turns out to be straight
other days the line tends to
deviate
i’ve got no criteria for sex or race
i just want to hear your voice
i just want to see your face

That’s me in a nutshell. At least my shadow self. What would your shadow self be singing?

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2 thoughts on “Are You In, or Are You Out?

  1. I had a girl crush for six months. A real, in the flesh, girl crush on a lesbian. A lesbian that was a friend of mine nonetheless.

    I dont know if I am in or out… if I found the right woman, I think I could make the switch. Not ruling it out yet….

  2. I think girl crushes are totally normal, even if you never explore them beyond just the initial crush. I mean isn’t that what happens even with crushes just in general? Most go unexplored and that’s just fine. But I think exploration is such a normal part of who we are as individuals as we grown and learn about the person we truly want to become. So, yeah I feel ya. Girl crushes rule, but I still love me a Man.

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