Underneath the Veil

The veil has been lifted. My anonymity has been compromised. Due to some recklessness on my part, Mr. Etiquette was able to find this blog through another twitter account of mine that was dumbly linked. I feel vulnerable and exposed. I feel like an onion that has been peeled down to its most fragile layers.

Do I overreact over the fact that my alter ego has been revealed? Truth be told, there aren’t all that many things so secret and sacred within this virtual home to my innermost thoughts and feelings that I wouldn’t tell my nearest and dearest at some point or another, when the timing was right.

But I wanted to be the one to call the shots, to have control over the timing. To be in control of when and how the story would be told. I am not a perfect person. This blog does not always reveal me in my most shining moments. It reveals me in pain, confusion, lust, and anger. It captures ecstasy, unbridled passion and joy, and most of all hope. It watches that hope come tumbling down.

No, what I regret most are the words I have vented here thinking the subjects would never read that I wrote in frustration and anger, from a place of pain and confusion. Mr. Etiquette, specifically, is no monster. He is not an evil man who deserves to have his heart broken again and again by me, just because his actions repeatedly break my heart. He is a good man with a loving and gentle heart. For whatever reason, we just keep clashing against one another. For many reasons, we just can’t move beyond the past, and forgiveness seems futile if we can’t forget enough to give each other a fresh start to accept each others love. We’ve both made our mistakes. Yet you don’t get to see his side of the story here, do you?

So that is my regret: breaking his heart all over again by reading words he was never intended to see. Hearing things I said about him he was never meant to hear. Finding out things about me that he was better off not knowing. Yet maybe, it helps him realize no one is perfect. He’s found all my cracks. Maybe it makes it easier for him to run to the hills like a big part of him has been tempted to do lo all these four months.

Regardless, I feel exposed, vulnerable and sad that my words not only have the power to inspire, to create solidarity, and to entertain, but to also pierce a heart, to cause confusion, anger, and pain that may never be fully healed. My words have the power to shatter a good man’s faith in me. That makes me ill to my stomach. Yet I guess that’s what I signed up for here.

From here on out, I will choose my words more carefully. Tell my story without getting so personal that it lacerates someone’s heart and soul. Who knows whose others eyes are watching and reading? And I still want to be able to wake up and look at myself in the mirror in the morning and be proud of this blog, be proud of the voice I share here.

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11 thoughts on “Underneath the Veil

  1. it’s scary when you are exposed in that way. i have always been exposed and unable to hide behind my words since my face is on my writing. i envy those who have anonymity. it’s easy to say everything when you don’t have to attach your face to it, you don’t have to put the filter on. i absolutely edit and filter myself. but at some point you have to say what you need to say. you shouldn’t apologize for writing about how you feel. in some way or another he knew everything you wrote here. words aren’t the only way we communicate.

  2. Nicely put. Hoewever…..
    This is your blog, your refuge from the daily grips of the world, where you can vent freely. Isn’t it part of the reason we blog in the first place, is that we do not have to censor ourselves?

    I think Mr. E and you have deeper issues than what you write here. He doesn’t deserve to have his heart broken over and over again, by you… so why do you allow him to break yours over and over again?

    Yes relationships all have their work in progress areas, I just don’t think you need to censor yourself.
    He found your blog. So what.

    Granted you could have choosen your words more wisely, but that wasn’t how you were feeling at the time. Heat of the moment is just heat of the moment. A sounding board so you can see it all more clearly then go back and re-read what you wrote and go back with a more level head.

    You shouldn’t have to worry about what you write here. If you’re compromising what and how you write, what’s the point of having a blog in the first place if someone else can dictate how and what you write?

    As a loyal reader we learn about you, get to know you, all the layers of your onion.

    So with my rant done, I do wish the best for your happiness however you choose to work at, find it etc.

    xoxo

  3. Oh my god, I’m so sorry. This was meant to be your sanctuary, your safe place.

    It would be a shame for this to effect what you write/how you write going forwards but do what you gotta do girl.

    x

  4. This thing happened to me as well a few years ago. I actually wrote my blog semi humorously and definitely *snarky* as I am in person. I gave frnds nicknames that weren’t very nice but who would think they wouldn’t ever find it or know…?
    I also told back stories of hard times in my life and spoke on many topic that people see as a faux pas.
    One night after a bunch of martinis I dropped the fact that I had a blog and 3 months later I lost a best friend then later another close close friend. At the time I was devastated but now I shrug it off. I was mortified anyone knew my skeletons in my closet. I still am. But it was very hard. I had a huge readership but I have since closed my blog.

  5. I’m so sorry to hear that your blog was exposed in this way… and I can’t imagine the inner turmoil you must now be going through. That being said, I hope you come to realize that this is your haven to air all of your innermost thoughts and you should continue your mission, whatever your reason for blogging is/was. I don’t mean to imply that you should disregard what Mr. E thinks/says, because obviously you don’t want to hurt him… but if you started this because you needed a place to go when you were hurting, then why shouldn’t you still be allowed to do so?

    I wish you all the best in the road ahead, and I hope you find inner peace in whatever you do.

  6. he chose to secretly follow a link to this site. you both have equal parts responsibility in this. do not take all the blame. i do not think he is a bad person nor do i think you are, but i’m not sure (as a person looking in from the outside) that trust will ever be restored on either side. he has broken your trust, whether you’ve realized it or not, but actively searching the web for you, even if it was linked on your other twitter. i’m guessing you haven’t recently linked yourself. keep that in mind.

    hugs to both of you.

  7. How do you know his heart got broken by what he read? I ask because as weird as it may seem…if he actually told you…that’s sort of an advantage. Well over me at least lol. So I guess what I really mean is a silver lining. If you got his response to your blog. That’s something of value. Whatever the response was. Because over at my blog. I’ve never gotten a response. Ok that’s a lie. I got a response from Trucker Joe before he was a douche and I outed him as such. So I’ve never really been able to see the other side of the coin.

    And if he didn’t tell you. Then I say don’t cry over milk you think might have been spilt/spilled? That old adage about assuming usually turns out to be true…

    But as for moving on from this point. I say do whatever you want. Do whatever makes you happy. You want to choose your words more carefully? Then do so. You want to stay true to your feelings and their implications? Do so. And no matter what you choose…you’re not signing your life away…you can always change your mind later…but last and moment important this is YOUR blog…to do with what you will.

    Hugs! XOXO

    • He told me how painful and confusing it was to read some of the things I share in my blog. Yet he feels a deeper connection and trusts me better, as if he knows me much more after reading all the things I express in this medium. Strange but positive result.

      I truly don’t want to censor myself. If Mr E chooses to keep reading what I write, he’ll just have to develop a tougher skin. πŸ™‚

      Thanks for all the support, hun.

      XOXO

  8. wow. i can’t imagine how shaken up you must have been when this all first happened and I’m glad that there is a positive result despite the fact that you feel exposed.

    that said, this is a really beautiful and touching post. thanks so much for sharing.

  9. I’m so sorry to read about this. Seems to hits a chord with many bloggers. Ironically enough, I went through this exact same thing this week with the guy I’m seeing!! Maybe its something in the air? One of the struggles I face (and I probably speak for a lot of bloggers) is that the ME of the blog is a slightly different me from the one in “real life.” The blog allows you to take a fraction of yourself and manipulate it and craft it for artistic expression. What I write in our blog is certainly me. It’s just one sliver of me. But for someone I care about to read about themself (indirectly) and take it as truth –well that’s where the hurt feelings come in. I remind myself that nothing is private in this day and age. We probably delude ourselves to think that we can truly maintain an alter ego.

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