A Letter to A Love Lost & A Lesson Learned

Dear Mr. Etiquette:


Sometimes in my weaker moments—like when I am watching a romantic movie with my family instead of the man who is supposed to be the one I am dating, or in those minutes when I am trying to fall asleep, or like today, in the shower when I have too much time to think—I find my mind falling on you. I wonder why I pushed you away and wonder if it’s part of my pattern. If it really is true that I push away the good men in my life…or if it’s true that I recognize the crazy and know when to break away to preserve my own sanity.

But today, in the shower, I remembered The Girl of Your Dreams. You remember her—the one you were secretly still in love with while we were dating and who you were ready to throw me under the bus for as soon as she said when. Even after I played host to your friends from Germany for over two weeks. Even after I spent five weeks with your children, both alone and with you, when they were here from Germany—when they made predictions I would be with you for years and years to come. Even after all that, as soon as GOYD, with her big breasts and her big purse that she spent on you out of guilt, like you were her gigolo, you pushed me away so you could “figure things out.”

by LJ-24 —www.deviantART.com

You would still be “with her,” figuring things out if it weren’t for the big reveal. Wondering why she never had time for you on the weekends. Wondering why she only had a couple hours every few weeks for you, if you were lucky. Wondering why she spent time together with you texting and taking calls from everyone else. Wondering why you never met any of her friends or family.  Wondering why your relationship never felt like a relationship over the last almost two years—how only three to four months felt like magic. Yet you clung because she was young, the sex was fabulous after an intimacy-free marriage, she had the curves and you were flattered that she chased after you at first.

If you hadn’t accidentally found out she was engaged and set to marry someone else, you would still be pining, waiting, and keeping me pining, waiting on the side, while you tried to figure things out. You would still be calling me to spend time with on the weekends when GOYD didn’t show.

You claim that you never would have stayed so long, wasting your life if you had known GOYD had gone back to her boyfriend. But where were your self-respect, your dignity and your character?  You knew something was wrong for over a year and when she stopped sleeping with you and dropping you a check once a month six months earlier, surely you sensed the tides had changed. Yet you still wasted months lovesick waiting for her.

You recognized I made you feel special, you saw my great qualities and you were deeply attracted to me. Even when you were supposed to be “back together” with her, you came to me. Your kids loved me and you allowed them to feel like I was a part of family when they were here. Your friends welcomed me with open arms. My family welcomed you and your kids like family, which is what you always wanted. Yet you gave that up so easily for her. I don’t know why, except that a part of you was so broken, is still so broken.

You wondered why I gave up on us? I didn’t give up on us. You never allowed there to be an “us”—truly—the entire time we were together. When you finally found out GOYD was engaged and then, wife to someone else, then I became the one you punished for all GOYD’s sins. I had a life of my own, not GOYD’s, to live.


Maybe one day you’ll see that I am not GOYD. Maybe one day you’ll see that not every woman is GOYD. Notice I used the word woman, not girl. Maybe one day you’ll realize you are a man who deserves more than someone who would use and abuse for two years of your precious life. I know I deserve more.

I deserve to be someone’s #1. I deserve to be more than someone’s afterthought or one’s part-time girlfriend. I deserve to be able to live 100 percent of my life and be admired and praised for that.

I thank you for helping to remind me of that.

Yours truly,


13 thoughts on “A Letter to A Love Lost & A Lesson Learned

  1. Wow, Solo! I felt a slight tingle for a moment reading that. For the last couple of days, I’ve been thinking of doing a letter to my ex. One of those heart felt reflections such as this and while reading the first couple of paragraphs, realized how fu?ked it is that so many women have to go through such pain. Men who have so many hang ups because of their baggage, their hangovers.

    Out of everything that I read, here is what stood out…you recognize the crazy and learn when to get away to preserve your sanity. Each time I am asked how a “woman like me” could still be single, I will say just this. *** May I post and share this on my blog??

    • Carmen, Thank you so much. I am sorry you have experienced similar pain. Writing this letter was such a great release for me. I highly recommend it for setting yourself free from any unresolved feelings–didn’t realize how much mine were still holding me back. And yes, please feel free to share this on your blog!

  2. Great letter.

    @Carmen, the door swings both ways. This isn’t a phenomenon reserved only for women.

    I like your attitude at the end, the “thank you for reminding me of that”. Relationships can suck, and many of them do. But they always teach us more about ourselves. Every relationship we have is just a reflection of ourselves.

  3. Oh Sammy, of course, of course I know that. I made sure to point that both sexes are going through this when I shared it.

    Solo, they say when you’re writing letters to those who have wronged you it somehow frees you, enabling you to really move on from the bad experience. I hope this is true for you.

  4. The details are different, but the story is the same for me. Thanks for writing this.

    “I deserve to be someone’s #1. I deserve to be more than someone’s afterthought or one’s part-time girlfriend. I deserve to be able to live 100 percent of my life and be admired and praised for that.”

    I wish I reminded myself this when I was with him. I convinced myself that this didn’t matter because I loved him so. I cried so many nights wondering why I didn’t deserve his love. I was wrong. He didn’t deserve mine.

  5. You go, girl. I’m so glad you wrote this letter to your ex, because I feel as though you were also really writing it for yourself. I hope that it shed a lot of clarity on the situation for you. You are absolutely right; you didn’t deserve any of the things you had happen to you. But Sammy is absolutely right: out of the worst scenarios we often learn the most valuable lessons.

    I’m glad you are now taking steps to take care of yourself and that you realize you deserve all the things your ex was clearly not providing for you. As someone who has been down that road before: I wish you all the best. XOXO

  6. Be glad you have recognized his failings and try to move on. When we interviewed women for our book we found so many who clung to old non-working relationships and made themselves suffer needlessly. Hard as it is, focus on your future and try to find out why you were so involved with someone who didn’t appreciate you.
    We’ve talked to so many women who have had the same experience. Let go, it’s hard but there are many ways to meet new men who will appreciate you and will be in your life forever..

    • Thanks so much for your comments. You are correct that people need to let go of the past in order to move forward. If your read other recent entries in my blog, you will see I am in a relationship with a man who was loved and supported me 100 percent for the last four years. We have worked through our challenges – and even an almost two-year separation – but we’ve come through stronger than ever.

  7. It’s interesting. I recently wrote a post on some anger that came up for me 10 years after a formative relationship ended. I had NO idea that I still carried anything around that relationship. It was me digging around my current situation that allowed this to literally “come up” inside of me during a restorative yoga class. Holy shit, who wants to hold on to anger for that damn long?

    And that’s what you did in writing this. You released your anger. You released your grief. You released your pain. Good for you. I wish we’d all do it.

    The only problem for me as I read this was, “Damn, I’m doing the same thing to someone else right now.”

  8. Hi Solo,

    Interestingly I stumbled on to your website after thinking of the same idea of posting my misadventures and experiences as I navigate through my 30’s. I am struggling through a fresh heart break and it sucks.

    I keep hope alive that I can find the lesson in this but it may take me a while. I like you honesty and your point of view. And I know that we all deserve to be someone’s #1. Thank you for your blogs.

    • Yesenia, I am so sorry you’re going through the pain of a heartbreak right now. Writing about it, even if you don’t plan to post it to the cyberworld :), can really be a freeing experience.

      It takes time to fully heal and to have perspective–don’t you wish you could just wave a magic wand for the process to be quicker and less painful? *sigh*

      I wish you strength, courage and peace on your path toward healing. And if you ever need to vent, I’m here for that too!

  9. Holy Crap. This gave me goose pimples. Reading that made me feel like how I wish people would feel reading my stuff. I think I’ve felt all of that, and it makes my think that that dudes a huge jerk store. I’m kinda numb right now.

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