Transformation Takes My Place

Metamorphosis by Eaglecaste

My life has been full of transformation over the last couple weeks. My boss put in her notice that she was quitting her position as regional editor next month, leaving her position open as well as, potentially, the intermediary position between hers and mine. Despite the ridiculousness of it, I threw my hat in for both, thinking ahead for my career future, not of the present where I am still on medical leave for at least another 6 weeks.

I am pretty sure I won’t get the promotion, which is fine since I really do love the job I have and the close interaction I have with my readership. However, I am nervous about who will take over as my boss. There have been so many changes at work with the role of my position this year already.

Of course, there was also the blowout with the V-Man. That emotional day also led to a blowout with my father, which had me wondering how on earth I was going to be able to move out of the house when I am currently unable to drive, can only partially take care of myself and I really need my family to help me get through everything right now. After several emotional hours, filled with PMS tears, my dad and I made up. And I stopped thinking about the V-Man.

I also enrolled in a yearlong program in integrative nutrition. I’ve been looking at this school and their program for more than a year now, and I finally decided the time was now to make my transition into my future journey in integrative medicine. It is really exciting, but I am a bit nervous how I’ll balance everything, despite it being designed for people who work full-time. I’m sure they didn’t have my job’s idea of full-time in mind. The good thing is I am starting now, ahead of the official start date, so I can get ahead before I start back at work.

Pumped by all the positive changes I have been taking in my life recently, I wondered what it would be like if I put that focused kind of energy into finding my next relationship. Obviously, I have been going about dating the wrong way for many years, being incredibly loyal to relationships that aren’t worthy of all that time and energy I devote to them. If something’s not working, it’s time to change the game plan.

I’ve been reading How to Be The One by Roy Sheppard. He has some great points about the vast amount of choices in dating we single people have right now, driven largely by the online dating market. While the chances of getting a first date are great, with so many other people out there, we can afford to be pickier than ever and never get to a second date.

If we find something wrong with someone on the first date, we move on to the next person. Sheppard says the competition for a partner is higher than ever. Thus having the qualities you seek in your potential mate is more important than ever. It’s an interesting way to look at the world of dating; to ask first, would I want to date me?

Sheppard calls a date an “Audition for Intimacy.” People who just roll in, like my date Tuesday morning who threw on some gym clothes and a bandana for our first meeting, are not putting in the effort for successful dating. The winners, says Sheppard, are “focused, passionate, dedicated, committed, talented and they are always ready.”

After reading this, I couldn’t help but think about how I am approaching dating. Yes, I am diving into the pool looking for a long-term partner. Yet, are my actions following my intention? Am I presenting my best self? More importantly, whether I am on a date or not, am I being my best self?

Would I fail a test asking me if I possessed the same qualities I claimed I desired in my potential partner? Would you?

It reminds me of the Tegan and Sara song “You Wouldn’t Like Me” with the pointed lyrics:

I feel like I wouldn’t like me if I met me
I feel like you wouldn’t like me if you met me
And don’t you worry there’s still time

Being aware of how critical I am of myself, I do think I possess many of the qualities I seek in others. I believe I am compassionate, encouraging, open-minded, passionate about life, a good listener and thoughtful. Yet, his Relationship Fitness Assessment also reminded me of the things I did need to work on:

  • Being openly honest with myself and others
  • Being more reliable and trustworthy—following through on my commitments
  • Showing more respect for my self—not allowing myself to get in positions where I am giving too much with little return, not allowing myself to heal by reliving past’s mistakes, not always pointing at myself as the stem of the bad things that happen in life….
  • And the ever-so-sexy working on my organization (my living quarters, and thus my mind, is full of clutter)

While it’s not as much fun to think of finding my potential life mate as a project, I know that working on myself is a huge step toward finding happiness and peace in every facet of my life. But that hasn’t stopped me from continuing to date…read more this weekend, after my third date of the week, on how I’m also approaching dating in a refreshingly different way.

Every Good Girl Needs Her Toys

Ladies, I have three magic words for you: California Exotic Novelties. Now, you may not be familiar with them. I was complete clueless until a week and a half ago, so let me school you on what I’ve very pleasurably learned.

But first, a little back story. It all started with dinner at a Japanese restaurant. No, there was no sushi consumed. I had some chicken teriyaki dish (sub-par–nothing will ever compare to my near weekly haunt to my favorite Japanese restaurant in Menlo Park), and my dinner guest had the safe chicken stir fry. His meal looked absolutely incredible, it tasted delightful, but I won’t begrudge him…even though it has literally taken me almost four years to get him to go somewhere beyond the familiar and try Japanese food when I knew he’d find something on the menu he’d like. But I digress.

We got to the car after a long day, a really long work week for me–somehow I’ve turned into a workaholic who never sleeps, who is always writing, editing, plotting, perusing for ideas, or whatever the hell else I am doing at 4 a.m. His week has been just as busy, though he found time to sleep, at least.

Anyway, I assume we’re heading back for a quiet night of Saturday Night Live, when all of a sudden, he says, “Let’s go get some toys.” Now ladies and gentlemen, I am not so naive that I didn’t know exactly what he meant when he suggested getting toys. I started wearing the high heels, the fishnet stockings, the leather bra for him. It’s funny, we never really played dress up beyond panties and skirts. The week prior he got this weird look on his face and said, “Let’s put something up you!” Little did I know he meant something other than his finger, tongue or cock.

When he mentioned a cucumber, I was in utter disbelief. Never, ever would I have thought of such things. Especially not coming from him. We had a tame sex life in general…other than the anal. So I listened as he microwaved the cucumber–so I wouldn’t have a chilled vagina, right?

Are you really going to try to shove that huge vegetable inside me??

First, he spread me open with his fingers, and before I knew it, I had a cucumber in my pussy. Not only did I have a cucumber there, I actually kind of liked it. And while one hole was filled, another hole was free for him to fill me, and it felt pretty damn amazing.

So no, going to the L.U.V., right next door to the “gentleman’s club” didn’t come completely out of nowhere. Yet I was still a giggly sex toy virgin. They literally had everything from dildos to vibrators to penis extenders to pocket pussies to blow up dolls, gag gifts, magazines and videos for every fetish under the sun, and the strippers from next door to model skimpy clothing. It was like a Toy Store Warehouse for adults.

He kept asking me what I wanted, picking up things he thought were neat. A glass dildo that had groovy swirls and nobs that you could cool and heat, various vibrating toys, straight out ridiculous Ron Jeremy-sized dildos and a whole bunch of other things I was completely overwhelmed by. We wound up with a purple vibrating dildo and an amazingly small (waterproof, the female staff, kept highlighting) with at least a half dozen speeds, intensities and types of vibrations. The shape of a clam it could easily fit way up inside of you.

I will not go into any further detail about how said items were used, except to say that the clam vibrator is something both a man and woman can enjoy in synchronicity for a truly amazing and new sexual experience. It’s amazing how one little thing, or rather, two little things can change things. When the shape of a relationship changes, have gone stale or when you’ve reached that stage where it’s make it or break it point, living outside the box can really help bring that spark back. I can enjoy every minute of it, no matter where it takes me, sexually or purely emotionally.

And I think, personally, every good girl needs a little playtime away from her insane work-centered existence.