Resolve to Overcome Sexual Shyness in 2013 With Astroglide Giveaway

Astroglide Dr. YvonneGrowing up in a Christian household, there wasn’t a lot of talk about the birds and the bees. Obviously I knew that people had sex and that it could result in pregnancies and babies, but when it came to the mechanics of the act, let alone pleasure and technique, I was pretty much clueless. To be honest, I really wouldn’t have become aware of myself as a sexual being growing up if it hadn’t been for Skinemax, AKA Cinemax After Dark and its late-at-night adult movies in late middle school.

My first serious boyfriend in my late teens was as green as I was about everything in the physical intimacy department. So we lovingly explored each other and attempted to overcome our sexual inhibitions together. Some things worked effortless, while other things took more time to get right.

It wasn’t until later, when I started having much more experienced partners that I began to experience more sexual shyness. Many years later, I feel quite comfortable with my techniques, learning what my partners like, and experimenting, whether with new positions, costumes or playing with toys. Yet there is always room for improvement.

In the year 2013, I’d like to see myself feel even freer to express to my lover exactly what I want in the bedroom. I’d also like to play with a few more of my fantasies, such as going to a strip club with my partner. Additionally, while I feel sexier and more proud of my body with my boyfriend than ever before, I’d still like to learn to really love my perky, little breasts even more—I’ll never be a Victoria Secret model, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Astroglide’s Sexual Wellness Ambassador and sex expert Dr. Yvonne Fulbright offers some tips for how you and I can overcome any sexual shyness we may harbor in this New Year and have better sex in 2013 (and make sure you read to the end for a special deal from Astroglide):

Tip 1: Get a firm grasp on what’s holding your back in the bedroom. Is it an inability to express what you are looking for your partner to do? Are you uncomfortable in your own skin and worry that your partner doesn’t find you attractive? Do you lack confidence in your ability to please your lover? Get specific about the barriers you need to overcome in claiming your hot-to-trot sexual self and an amazing sex life.

Tip 2: Get to know yourself.  If you don’t know what pleases you—what you like and don’t like sexually—how can you expect your lover to know? Great lovemaking requires communication, taking the time to find out what arouses them, whether they are visual or tactile, and how and where they like to be touched. So first, take the time to get in touch with yourself. Fantasize—read erotica for inspiration. Play with toys. Experiment with your touch to discover whether you like things softer or harder, slower or faster, circular or up and down, or a variation of these. Role-playing with seduction and the process of foreplay will give you greater confidence to give instruction to a lover, even if it’s non-verbal.

Tip 3: Boost your body image. For many of us, the biggest challenge to getting into a sexy state of mind is our relationship with our own bodies. Many people will tell you the sexiest people are the most confident, and confidence comes with self -love. Do things that make you feel good about the skin you’re in, like getting regular exercise, eating healthy meals, avoiding toxins and shutting down negative self-talk. I would also add staying away from the majority of women’s magazines as well if you find yourself constantly comparing others’ bodies to yours. Become more intimate and connected to your body through movement and touch, with yoga, getting a massage, or wearing clothes that feel like they were made for you. For me, acknowledging that my breasts are the perfect size for my body type becomes more self-evident when I wear clothes that show off my petite, slender and athletic build. Every day, look in the mirror and find at least one thing about yourself—whether it’s your lips, eyes, shoulders or butt—that you love and acknowledge it out loud.

Tip 4: Study the masters. Knowledge is power when it comes to the art of sex. Many are insecure about their sexual expression because of lack of knowledge—about their own bodies, about what makes their partner stimulated and about how to successfully pull off different sexual moves. Read quality sex manuals. Educate yourself on erogenous zones, different sexual positions and techniques for oral sex and manual stimulation, and learn creative methods of seduction. The more you learn, the more you will boost your confidence as a lover, as well as expand your sexual repertoire.

Tip 5: Determine if your issues require extra assistance. Many women who have struggled with their sexuality as adults have encountered sexual abuse in the past, carrying guilt and sometimes fear or pain as they try to move forward into healthy sex lives. Adults who also have religious backgrounds that associate sex with guilt and shame may find it difficult to express sexuality in health ways. In cases such as these, working with a certified sex therapist or counselor can be extremely helpful for working through the past so that you can enjoy the future. You can find one in your area at www.aasect.org

A SPECIAL OFFER FOR MY READERS

Astroglide is also offering readers of my blog free samples to help you slide into a sexy new year. Look for how you can get your hands on them here. You are also invited to submit any questions about sex you may have to sexpert Dr Yvonne.

**This is a sponsored post for Astroglide**

My Personal Guide To Having Great Sex

Recently, while lying next to each other post-coitus, my man said, “That was amazing—almost unbelievably so!” He marveled over the wonderful chemistry we shared, until he added, “Or maybe it’s just you. Maybe it’s always like this with you.” He tilted his head to the side and looked at me suspiciously, as if he was trying to figure out where I’d picked up my bag of tricks.

Now, I wouldn’t even have given this a second thought if it weren’t for the comments of a former lover. He was commenting on my body filling out even more (of which I was proud after years of looking nearly anorexic) and teased, “so you’re building those (boobs) up, huh?”  I said something along the lines of, “Yeah, I gotta get them ready for making movies.” He replied, “Why do I think you’ve already been making movies?”

It was said all in jest; I was flattered. But I began wondering if, for woman, there came a point where being too good at sex was intimidating to men. I started pondering if I should take a leave of absence from sexual activity for a couple years, get a little rusty, and return back to being average.

A man would never ponder such a thing, would he? It is manly to be experienced in the sack, and a guy is expected to be a killer lover or else fear inadequacy in some way. There is, of course, the double standard with women. Men would like us to be good in bed, but not necessarily from lots of practice. Well, sorry men, we don’t earn your title of Best Giver of Blow Job right out of the gate. It is an art form, culled from years of practice with various techniques to see what works best with which partner.

I’m past the max of 3 lifetime lovers, including my future husband, my naïve little head imagined when I was 21. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to settle down. First serious boyfriend and I were together for 2 ½ years before going across the country to college eventually got in the way. College boyfriend and I were together for four years before illness and distance ended us. I healed and rebounded. The Bulldog and I dated for three years, and there was serious talk of marriage, but he was a bipolar pothead whose temper caused even his best friend to break up with him. I rebounded. The V-Man and I were officially together for 2 years before I realized he was too selfish and immature for us to ever get to marriage. I immediately fell in love with HH afterward. That fizzled, and then followed a series of ill-conceived attempts at relationships with men so wrong for me.

So here I am, 32, with more experience in dating and intimacy than I ever imagined. I’m not exactly ashamed of what I’ve learned about myself, or of men, for that matter. I certainly relish the fact that I am finally so comfortable in my own skin that I am proud to be the woman who is singleinmy30s. It’s nice when a perceptive man can sense and admire that too.

I’ve certainly learned a great deal from all of my experiences; like, what makes a great lover anyway? There are a number of factors that come into play when distinguishing one partner’s lovemaking yawn-worthy and another’s mind-blowing bliss. It’s easier to begin with what isn’t as crucial as we’re sometimes led to believe.

GOOD LOVEMAKING IS NOT…

It’s not all about size

I knew a man who when he whipped off his pants, would literally make one do a double take—as in, did I just stumble onto a set of a porno, by accident? It turns all he was, in the end, was just one big dick—in every sense of the word. And a painful one at that.

I’ve since welcomed a partner who is even more well-endowed. Yet he is both tender and passionate, aiming to please—in and out of the bedroom. Intimacy with him is pretty darn awesome.

However, before him, I was swept off my feet by a man who was average-sized but a rock-star in the bedroom. We were both flexible and acrobatic, and we could position ourselves at wonderful angles, he coaxed me with sexy not nasty talk, and our lovemaking was literally like a tango, flowing electric, sexy move to the next.

(And there was that one lover who was literally the length and width of my pinky; but let’s just forget I ever mentioned him, because I forget about him all the time.)

The harder, the better, right?

Wrong. There is no need to try to break my cervix with every thrust. I love really deep penetration in moderation, but for me, variety is key. Roll with it. Tease me, just like I tease you.  When I can’t take it anymore, drive it home, baby.

Sex does not have to be a marathon to be marvelous

I am not going to lie and say that those several hour love-fests with requisite breaks for recovery before jumping back in don’t have their awesomeness. A man also can impress me with his mind-over-matter control to delay climax until he’s made sure I have come first (not as easy as it sounds), or preferably, at the same time he is (rarest of all for me). However, at some point, women can dry up or get sore, no matter how much lube you use. Case in point: 2009cansuckit’s broken vagina story. I also am a big fan of the wildly passionate, I just can’t hold off any longer, you’re making me so hot, I’ve-got-to-come-now quickies. I totally get off on being wildly irresistible to a man.

Not all creativity is a good thing

In college, my boyfriend came up with the brilliant idea of using the ice cream that we had taken from the cafeteria in the bedroom. Of course, we were in my dorm room, on my top bunk. Ice cream melts a lot faster than you think it does, especially on warm bodies. It was wet and sticky disaster. On a much later night, he redeemed himself by using a bird feather to lightly run over my body, and it felt very sensuous and sexy.

Costumes are a good thing. It’s the adult version of playing dress up. I can’t tell you how many times men who thought they were too tired, stressed or not in the mood came out of their shell completely once I stepped into the new persona with a costume. It’s you, only temporarily transformed into someone unfamiliar yet familiar at the same time. It can make the dresser-upper feel sexy and flirtatious too.

GOOD LOVEMAKING IS…

Communication

Do you realize how many people there are out there who have sex, and plenty of it, but who cannot actually talk about it with their partner face to face? This is sad. How will you find out what your partner specifically likes and loves? Or dislikes and hates? You can’t base it on prior lovers or what you read in Hustler magazine or what you saw on your web porn. Every lover is an individual. Take the time to find out what arouses them—both mentally and physically, if they are more visual or tactile, and how they like to be touched. If you can’t talk to your potential lover about these things, then you probably shouldn’t be sleeping with them in the first place.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

A huge factor to wonderful lovemaking is respecting your partner’s boundaries. If your partner absolutely does not like anal play, which I didn’t with any partner before V-Man, don’t force it, don’t keep trying to cajole her into it; just LET IT GO. And if your partner revealed that she liked it in the past with someone else, it’s no guarantee that she automatically wants to do it with you right away or ever, even.

Likewise, if you’re thinking about bringing a new toy into the bedroom, try to get a feel for how he or she might respond before springing it on them. I’m still remembering the shock I felt when an ex left the room in the middle of sex and whipped out a penis extender (no, I don’t even know what the hell it’s called, but it goes over the actual penis). Truly, he really didn’t need this. I didn’t want it. He saw the look on my face and immediately said, “No, I don’t even know why I brought this out, we don’t need it.”

As for bondage: to me, the average, only slightly naughty girl, there is good bondage and bad bondage. Good bondage is with a partner you trust who lightly ties your wrists together with a scarf that you can easily get out of when you both are ready for full contact since it’s impossible for you to keep your hands from connecting with his body for long. Bad bondage is when the boyfriend who already scares you with his intensity boy scout knots you to the bed with a tie so tight that it’s literally impossible to move, let alone break free. Some like it really rough, some don’t. Find out which your partner is.

Responsiveness

This requires communication, not all of it necessarily verbal. Read each others signals. Look into each others eyes. If one of you slows down, the other should be in the moment, aware enough to realize what’s going on, and be able to meet your rhythm. If you’re with your partner long enough, it’s great if you can read their body for when they want to go faster or slower, deeper or just barely in, and when they’re about to climax. But when in doubt, just ask! As for verbal communication, if your lover says, “Squeeze my nipples,” that’s not so much a suggestion as a request. Honor it if you want to make her happy. Know who you’re in the hay with. Call each other by name. It makes the connection that much more electric.

Balance

If all you want to do is focus on my ass, and you totally neglect the vajajay, then that makes me a sour puss. If you are a cunninglinguist, but you ignore my boobs, I will feel like you feel like they aren’t worthy of your attention. That or you are just too lazy to learn that the proper manipulation of my nips can really contribute to my arousal.

Trust me, they feel great; try it.

Likewise, if I ignore your balls and only focus on your penis, that may leave some of you equally unsatisfied. And there are some men who like getting their nipples brushed or the spine of their back grazed too.

Find out what your partner likes and needs to achieve pleasure. The topic of balance greatly overlaps with the next, which is…

Reciprocity

I LOVE to please a man. I almost take it as a personal insult if a man pushes me away too soon from orally pleasing him to get straight to the booty. Of course, this may just mean he knows he’s a quick shooter, or he may be like a couple of the older partners I’ve had who just haven’t ever gotten off orally. I can usually persuade them to see the benefit of letting me continue (i.e. “That’s the most incredible blow job I’ve ever had!” said by lover at the top of this post).

On the flip side, I also like to be orally pleased. I told this same lover that there are men who absolutely hate to go down on a woman. He looked genuinely puzzled and asked “Why? It’s amazing down there! I love it.” I of course told him he was the kind of man that a woman adores.

If you notice a lack of reciprocity, talk. Yes, I know it’s awkward as ass sometimes, but do it. It may be a hygiene issue. Or it may be something completely unrelated to you. The Bulldog went down on a girl at a college party in the dark, and when he came out of the room, his face was covered in blood because the girl never told him she was having a visitor that day. He was horrified and humiliated, and it’s haunted him ever since. Talking led the way to understanding and a pact that I would be sure to communicate my “red-letter days.”

Also, ladies, don’t always insist the man be on top. Take the initiative sometimes, and drive. It gives his legs and arms a break, and for you, it can be incredibly fun, so fun that you may get carried away, so listen when he begs you to slow down.

Post-coitus cuddle

This is admittedly a more personal-to-me characteristic of a good lover. I actually have found that men are much more cuddly than I am after sex. I’m petite and thin and can easily fit inside the arms and bodies of even the smallest guys. But not all cuddlers are built alike. I feel like a lover and I fit together best when their bodies are responsive to mine even in sleep, when I am comfortable, my neck not all bent out of position, my breath not squeezed out by an overly tight arm, when I can actually relax (again, so rare for me), and possibly even fall asleep in their arms, then I know I’ve found something good.

I’ve found the right fit, in cuddling and in coitus, with men 6 inches taller than me and men over a foot taller than me, some skinny as a rail, some with broad shoulders and round bellies; it’s not so much about size, it’s about how well you and they communicate, emotionally, verbally, and physically.

All of the above are important factors in what distinguished average sex from amazing sex for me. So if you care to, take what you will from what I’ve learned over the years. Play smart and safe, and have fun.

Feel free to comment with your own do’s and don’ts for excellent sex.